Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
