Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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