Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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