In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
