: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
