Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
