maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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