I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
