I'm lost and stupid without you.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize