You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
