So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
nutella sex= disaster
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
