your thong is hanging out like whoa
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
