I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Randomize
