I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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