Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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