I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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