i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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