He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
