After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
