i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
