I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Randomize