is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
