the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
