You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
