i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
