why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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