K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
