I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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