Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
