No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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