so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
