Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
