Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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