can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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