Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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