how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
