Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
