mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You're like the curious george of whores
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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