You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
