3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
