Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
