youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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