im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
