can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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