I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
