I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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