Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
