Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
