Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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