first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
