Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
