Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
you had me at cake vodka
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
