sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
