Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
