Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
