why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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