I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
