DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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