my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize