Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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