there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize