She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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