o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
